Where I came from...

I’ll begin by describing the place where I come from. That may give you the best impression of who I am. The details of the story aren’t what’s important so I’ll skip those, but the patterns of experience paint the map and the map tells the story better.

For the majority of my life I have been in a deep state of distrust. This was directed towards other men, women, family, friends, God (Creation), employers, everyone. I couldn’t trust anyone to follow through, I had to do everything myself. I frequently felt controlled and manipulated by women, exploited by my employer, and thought that life itself was actively conspiring against me, trying to punish me, or teach me some lesson I was incapable of learning. I was hopeless, angry at life, and felt utterly alone and misunderstood. I was spiritually cynical. To try to fix the “problem” I engaged in stranger and more extreme methods of trying to change these patterns of experience in my life. None of it led to much success. I relied on others (mostly women) to help guide me and make decisions. I struggled to be authentic in my relationships with men. I spent a lot of time trying to “out-think” life and other people. I used many new age strategies and beliefs to try to create change but whatever I tried didn’t seem to work for me. Many of these things seemed to work for others, but not for me. I perpetually felt like I was facing a challenge with the wrong set of tools. When I looked externally, everyone else seemed to have something I lacked. I watched many peers rise and become successful in their lives while I stayed stuck, “punished” by life. I was cut off from knowing what my needs were and didn’t have a clue as to how to meet them. I was financially struggling and stuck in jobs where I was undervalued and overworked. I frequently felt like a victim. I was angry, depressed, anxious, and numb all at the same time.

Not everything I did was hopeless. Through some heroic efforts I was able to achieve a few brief glimpses of the sacred beauty of life. This was frequently short lived and required increasingly harsh or extreme measures to achieve. As soon as I came back into my daily life I was pulled down into a black hole of anger and hopelessness. I had relationships, but they were challenging. I had employment, but it never led anywhere and felt soul crushing. I spent decades in this place. I know it well, I wish I could say I discovered the secret and mastered it, but that’s not how it worked for me.

Currently, I...

continue to walk my path. I am not a “finished” enlightened being, but a work in progress. I do not have all the answers, but my core wounding has lessened significantly. I am in a much different place both internally and externally. Getting here has taken years, and been a slow and gradual healing on many levels.

In short, my journey has reflected my misunderstandings along the way. It hasn’t been what I expected it would be. But it is real, true, and both harder and more beautiful than I thought. When these feelings and experiences from the past show up I am no longer pulled under and overwhelmed by them. I no longer identify or believe that they are me. I’ve come to see them as experiences arising for healing and resolution, not the truth of who I am. I am able to have compassion for these parts of myself, I can tolerate facing fear, anger, depression, and shame without collapsing into a puddle. I have a better understanding of my anger and what it’s trying to communicate to me. As a result I experience it much less. I have both more trust in people and a more accurate read on my relationships. I can connect with other men and women without losing my center. I have a better bullshit meter and know when my trust is appropriate and when it isn’t. I no longer need to rely on strategies to manage relationships in order to feel safe. I am able to be authentic with others, and meet my own needs. My progress and journey is becoming increasingly gentle and deeper, moving away from harsh and heroic. I have made several major life transitions towards doing the work I love and am confident in what I do and who I can help. There is an increasing alignment between the inner experience of who I am and the external work I do in the world. I feel I am supported by life and am more successful than ever. I am no longer plagued by a creeping darkness threatening to overtake me and all my endeavors. There is more spaciousness in my life, more ease, and more forgiveness for myself as well as others. I don’t need other people to be perfect, I don’t have to do everything on my own. I can see all the ways I am held and cherished by life, and I am able to trust this. I no longer feel as if life/God/Creation has it out for me. This is also what I want for the people I serve.

What can people expect from working with me...

People can expect me to be authentic and real with them. I view my role as a coach/guide on the journey. A “guide on the side” vs a “sage on the stage” if you will. I don’t pretend to have all the answers. Having walked this path myself I am familiar with the terrain of darkness, anger, shame, and terror. I can show you what has helped me and the markers I have used along the way to gauge progress. I ask questions which help to illuminate the energetic patterns and help you to uncover your own truth. My goal in working with people is to get them to a place where they can guide their own progress. Working with me requires a commitment, and you should feel confident in my ability to meet you after our first few sessions together

Signposts for you in our work together...

You have less anger, or a better understanding of it and its purpose. You may have less intense anxiety, shame, depression, regret, etc.

You no longer feel as if life/God/Creation has it out for you

You have both more trust in people and a more accurate read on your relationships; you have a better bullshit meter and can know when your trust is appropriate and when it isn’t.

You may have a growing internal guidance system, bringing you into greater alignment and purpose.

You experience more spaciousness in your awareness

You may have more compassion towards yourself and others

You may uncover a gift unique to you at the center of your challenge which may flip your perspective. What was once a burden, once understood, can become a gift you may feel called to offer others. 

If there is any aspect of my story which resonates with you, chances are good we would be a good fit. Further, we might work well together if you feel your mind does not understand the feelings of your heart/body. We might be a good fit if you’ve been to lots of meditation retreats, maybe had some peak experiences but have struggled integrating the “highs” back into your daily life. If you have a lot of books in your library with the words “embodiment”, “mindfulness”, “healing”, “heart”, “energy” etc. but generally spend a significant amount of time feeling numb, angry, anxious, or depressed. Or if you have a hard time finding your own wisdom and truth in situations. Many people I work with describe a feeling as having one condition of their life, aspect of themselves, or pattern, which requires a lot of time/energy/work to keep at bay. Some challenges which have to be overcome. Because when it manifests it ruins everything. Maybe you can see similar aspects in your own story, or maybe yours looks a little bit different. There isn’t a specific set of circumstances people need to have to work with me. I try to give people a sense of what to expect, because working with me does not fit into the traditional models of the mental health or medical field. I help men (mostly) who are angry, anxious, numb, or shut down, reconnect with their passion and wisdom so they can live fuller lives of meaning and purpose. I help men align their inner truth and their outer life circumstances.